Really?

I read a headline on Huffington Post the other day that read, "50% of Men Would Dump Partner Over Weight Gain."  What?!  Seriously?!  What is wrong with people?  This headline frustrated me and made me really angry.  It brought me back to being in my teens and twenties and living in LA.  Always struggling with my weight left me not wanting to date for a number of reasons.  One in particular was not wanting to deal with a boyfriend who made me feel badly about my weight.  I've known several women whose self-esteem was in the toilet because the men they dated were critical of their weight.  They became obssessed with their outward appearance forgetting to take care of themselves in a personal or spiritual way.  Forget enjoying dinner out - everything they ate became a source of guilt.  I never wanted that kind of relationship with a man.  I never wanted to get stuck in the vicious cycle of not feeling good enough because I didn't have a man, and not feeling good enough for the man I had.  At parties I have often overheard boyfriends questioning the food choices of their girlfriends.  Not ok!  What happened to unconditional love?  I know I found it.  Chad made it clear from the get go that he loved me for who I was, whether I lost 50 pounds, or gained 50 pounds.  In fact one day he said it didn't matter to him if I gained weight as long as it didn't require him to remove a wall in the house to get me out. (This made me laugh).  And I can say, he has stuck true to his word.  Since moving to Washington I have struggled with depression, anxiety, boredom, health problems, lost pregnancy, crazy hormone changes and a thyroid problem.  And, along with all of this - weight gain.  It's been a lot to deal with in a 5 year period.  But, you  know what?  Chad has been by my side the entire time.  Even while I would be crying while standing in front of my closet because none of my clothes are fitting.  During all of this I realized I was not giving Chad the same unconditional love and support he was giving me.  I would have panic attacks and visions of him keeling over from a heartattack.  I became obsessed with everything he was eating and drinking.  I have become hyper critical of his mother, who I believe instilled a lot of negative health thinking and patterns in him.  But, aren't I as bad as the LA boyfriends being critical of their girlfriends?  I would justify my judgement of Chad's weight and food choices on my concern for his health, and this is true.  It is my biggest fear that he will die from health implications caused by poor nutrition and lack of exercise.  Just like Chad loves me at any size, so I love him.  But, my criticism needs to stop.  It's not helping him or me.  Since starting this weight loss program together I find all of the critisizing slowly melting away.  I no longer watch with eagle eyes what Chad is eating.  On cheat day I can let it all go and let him enjoy the foods he loves.  This whole thing has been a freeing thing for me and it's made me determined to not become and LA boyfriend.

What's The Point?

What's the point doesn't mean, "What is the point of us doing this?"  I know why we are doing this - better health, weight loss, more energy, clarity of mind, etc, etc...  I guess the question for us is what is the point at which we will be done?  When people find out you are on a diet, the first question they ask is about how much weight you want to lose.  I never know how to answer this question.  Do I need to get it down to the pound, ounce, or stone?  Also, having a fixed weight implies that there will be an end to the healthy changes you have made.  I've lost X pounds, now I can go back to eating junk food and hitting up the drive throughs.  It doesn't work that way.  If I am making healthy changes to my eating habits, why would I not want to continue them?  Even if I didn't lose anymore weight, the health benefits have been huge for both of us already.  Cholesterol is good again, blood pressure is headed in the right direction, my arthritis has been way more manageable, and I no longer suffer from frequent nausea.  So what is the point, the point at which I will feel skinny enough?  I don't know.  This morning I put on a pair of jeans that a year ago did not fit at all.  I couldn't even zip them up.  Now they are on the big side.  Yet, I still look in the mirror and see a fat person, not a person who has lost a fair amount of weight thus far.  When will I be able to vision myself as something other than fat or chunky?  I know when I was my thinnist, about 7 years ago, and can't picture in my mind ever being thinner than that.  I need to learn how to envision myself as someone else.  I am looking forward to meeting this new person.

Flash Back

Last night we went to the department store in search of a bathing suit for me.  We are leaving on a Caribbean cruise in two weeks and the only swim suits I have are the non-exciting Speedo ones that Costco sells for $20.  At this point I have lost about 20 pounds and am feeling a bit better about myself.  I've already gotten rid a lot of clothing that is just too big.  I want to celebrate by having a swimsuit that it a bit cuter.  So, we head to the mall.  My patient husband is willing to brave the mall to help me find a swim suit when I know how much he would rather being doing just about anything else.  But, he knows how much this means to me.  I pick out a couple of swim suits and a couple of dresses.  We go into the fitting room and he gives me feedback on what I am trying on - well, he basically agress with whatever I say.  Dress number one (size 16) too big!  Dress number two (size 16) too big!  Dress number three (size 14) just right!  Am I happy being a size 14?  Not really, but I am happy that the size change is going in the right direction.  I then move on to swim suits.  I didn't find what I wanted, but not because I couldn't fit into anything, but because the styles weren't right.  While standing in the dressing room trying these items on, I had a flash back.  A year or so earlier we were in the exact same dressing room trying to find things for me to wear to Hawaii for my 40th birthday.  I was miserable, near tears, and so unhappy with myself.  A year ago nothing fit, or at least nothing I wanted to wear.  I had to opt for something that felt like wearing a nightgown.  What a difference!  Chad and I talked about the difference between this shopping trip and the one the previous year.  Funny thing is that he is my rock in all of this.  He is so proud of my weight loss, but his support hasn't waivered.  When trying things on and being upset the previous year he just tried to bolster my confidence in myself.  He never added to the disappointment I already felt in myself.  Last night, in that exact same dressing room, nothing in regards to Chad's attitude towards me had changed.  He praised me for the positive (weight loss) and supported me with the negative (still a size 14).
This morning I met with my therapist who I have been seeing off and on for about 3 years.  I knew going into this whole thing that I would need someone to help me reevaluate each step of this journey.  Chad is wonderful, but it's not fair to heap all of it on him.  I relayed the dressing room story to her and she got the biggest smile on her face.  "I love how you and Chad communicate," she told me.  "I see couples all day long, all week long, and not many would talk about the things you do and share together the things you do."  "In fact," she said, "I don't know any wives who would feel comfortable taking their husbands bathing suit shopping."  When it comes down to it, part of my success so far has come from knowing I have a husband who loves me at any size and it's not me getting down to a size 2 that will make him happy, it's me reaching whatever goal I have put in front of me to reach.

Beginnings

Chad and I have started this weight loss - get healthy program and have been doing it since mid-April.  I will go into more detail about the actual program as time goes on.  Chad has his own blog that details a bit more about the nuts and bolts of what we are doing together.  My blog is to keep track of the emotional side and the challenges of a couple trying to lose weight and get healthy together.  In some repects it's made things 100% easier and in other respects it's like living with a mirror that can talk back to you.  I cannot hide the things I don't like about myself.  I cannot give up because I have someone more important than me whose success will only come with me being successful as well.  My goal in keeping this blog is to forge a path for other couples who are hoping to face a challenge head on together.  I hope at some point, when all is said and done, and Chad and I are pleased with where we are at, we can write a book documenting what it is like to not only lose weight, but to reimagine yourself as someone else, while staying true to yourself and the person you love most.